Are You a Controlling Partner?

Healthy relationships thrive on trust, respect, and equality. However, controlling behaviour—whether intentional or not—can cause strain and imbalance, leading to feelings of resentment or dependency in a partnership. While it’s normal to want stability and connection, there’s a line where concern or care can turn into control. Recognising these patterns within yourself is the first step towards improving your relationships.
If you’re wondering whether your actions might be controlling, it’s important to reflect honestly and assess how your tendencies to seek control could manifest.

Constantly needing to know your partner’s whereabouts

One key sign of controlling behaviour is an excessive need to know where your partner is, what they are doing, and who they are with at all times. While sharing these details occasionally is healthy in a relationship, excessive checking or monitoring crosses a boundary. It may stem from insecurities or a deep fear of losing the other person. However, this over-involvement can lead to your partner feeling smothered or distrusted.

Reflect on whether your partner freely shares their activities with you or if they do so because they feel compelled to. Healthy communication should feel voluntary, not enforced.

Trying to make all the decisions

Do you find yourself unconsciously or consciously taking charge of decisions, even minor ones? This can include dictating what your partner wears, who they hang out with, or how they spend their time and money. Though it might seem like you’re simply "helping" or "guiding," these actions can strip away your partner’s sense of autonomy and equality in the relationship.

Consider whether you allow space for your partner to contribute to decisions or voice their preferences. A mutually supportive relationship requires shared decision-making.

Feeling threatened by your partner’s independence

If your partner’s pursuits, hobbies, or friendships make you feel insecure or left out, it might hint at controlling tendencies. For example, do you discourage them from seeing certain friends or pursuing goals that don’t involve you? While it’s natural to want closeness, trying to limit your partner’s independence can erode trust and create resentment.

It’s crucial to remember that a healthy relationship allows both individuals to grow separately as well as together. Feeling secure in yourself—and in the relationship—is key to overcoming such behaviour.

Using guilt or manipulation to get your way

Sometimes controlling behaviour can appear in subtle forms, like guilt-tripping or manipulation. For instance, you may say things like, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t do that,” hoping to dissuade your partner from actions you disapprove of. This indirect way of imposing control might not feel overtly harmful, but it undermines honest communication between partners.

Be honest with yourself about how you handle conflict or disagreement. Are you addressing issues constructively, or resorting to guilt to achieve your desired outcome? Open dialogue fosters a stronger, healthier connection.

Monitoring or invading privacy

Trust is central to any relationship, and controlling individuals sometimes cross the line into breaching that trust. This might include looking through their partner’s phone, emails, or social media without permission. Although it’s tempting to justify such actions as ensuring “peace of mind,” they often indicate insecurity or lack of trust.

Healthy relationships value boundaries and respect privacy. Even if your partner is completely transparent with you, snooping can damage the trust and intimacy you’re trying to preserve.

How to address and improve controlling behaviour

The good news is that recognising these patterns is a vital first step towards change. If you identify any of these behaviours within yourself, don’t be too hard on yourself—personal growth often begins with self-awareness. Start by communicating openly with your partner about your feelings and concerns. Ask for their perspective, and listen without defensiveness.

Seeking professional guidance, such as relationship counselling or therapy, can provide the tools and strategies to manage insecurities and foster a healthier dynamic. It might also help to practise trusting your partner and allowing the relationship to unfold naturally, rather than forcing control over it.

Remember, relationships are partnerships, not power dynamics. By focusing on equality, respect, and trust, you can build a connection that brings out the best in both partners.